My wife and I used to be very good about encouraging and nurturing our children. We followed the Montessori method and our children thrived. That seems to have changed in the last year or so as Scarlet turned 7 and Conner 5.

Lately, I’ve noticed that we’ve been yelling at them at more. We’re constantly saying to them in a scolding tone, “Did you wash your face?” “Did you do your homework?” “Did you put away your toys?”

Part of this, at least for me, is the sheer number of times I’ve had to say the same things over and over. Each day our children need to follow the same routines, and each day I have to repeat the same things over and over to remind them. Multiply that by 2 children and you realize you’ve probably said the same phrases 500-600 times already with seemingly no end in view. Even the most patient parents just get worn out after a while (that’s my excuse anyway).

As a parent, you start to think, why can’t they remember? Are they just not paying enough attention, do they simply not care, are they just being the s-word (stupid)? You start to think that you need to emphasize the importance of things more, i.e. if I yell then they’ll realize it’s important and will try to remember better next time…and so you start yelling.

Today, I yelled at Connor because he couldn’t think of how to play part of his drum practice. He had done it many times before, and he had just had a drum lesson yesterday where his teacher taught him an easier way. Yet he just sat there not knowing what to do. I was so frustrated…I yelled at him.

Part of me even thought yelling at him will toughen him up. “If he can’t handle my yelling, how is he going to handle the outside world where people can be really mean?”, I thought. Yet this is twisted logic. For all our yelling so far, I don’t think either child has learned to handle it better. Instead, they cry because they want to please us but they just can’t.  They feel inferior. And they simply dread it more the next time they get yelled at.

In retrospect, I know Connor was trying. He was trying his best as I’ve always taught him. He was trying to be brave too as I have taught him. In the end, I think we’re simply expecting too much of them. Scartlet and Connor are both smart, mature children for their age. For me, I’ve taken it for granted that they understand and can do many things other kids may not be able to yet. I think both my wife and I need to understand that there are still things their little child minds can’t do as well as adults yet.

I started to search for articles on child development and memory. Most, however, were either high-level descriptions of developmental theories like Piaget’s or tips on how to improve a child’s memory. But I did find a few sources discussing how children’s memories are simply not as good as adult memories. Generally, children do not develop the full cognitive abilities of adults until around 15 years of age. So expecting them to remember and reason as you would is simply unreasonable. I think that’s why they just stare blankly back at us as we yell at them. They simply aren’t able yet to do the things we expect them to.

The greatest danger here is damaging their self-esteem. When you yell at a child, “Why can’t you remember?”, you are opening up the chance your child may think it’s because he/she is deficient in some way. And that’s way worse than having to remind them about the same things hundreds of times more.

Today, I resolve to never yell at them again for forgetting things.